M.I.T (Missing in Thoughts)

I haven’t been writing on here much. Not that there is really an excuse but  you know; life happens. My novel is becoming more realistic than abstract. I have been through hell and back the last week and yet, this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this; but it’s been the most painful time.

How does one remain hopeful when their world starts crashing in on them? How do those same people continue to wake up each day full of life and energy even though the night before they stayed wide awake and screaming to God asking “why me”?

Why am I always falling for the man that will destroy me?

Why am I so afraid for people even after they betray my trust?

Why am I losing the man I did nothing but love and care for?

Why am I being put through these events over and over?

Then it moves onto begging.

Begging God not to hurt him.

Begging God to set him free of this addiction that is overtaking him.

Begging God to let him live.

After the wonder, and the begging you are so worn out, so drained. But sleep isn’t possible, not with all the thoughts going on in your mind. All the ‘what ifs’ and the images, oh the images. I swear it’s like your mind loves to taunt you with the visions you fear most. every blink on an eye, every moment you begin to sleep; the images come into play and it’s game over.

Now I’m stuck here, missing in my thoughts, wondering what to do next. Wondering if this is all going to work out in my favor. Wondering if it’s all going to be okay. Praying, hoping, wishing

for it to all be okay.

Where Have the Gents Gone?

Growing up I was taught that if a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you. If he teases you, he really likes you. And the list goes on. What no one told me about this kind of mind set is that these thoughts and expectations would lead me into one of the worse relationships of my life.  He was cunning and smooth with words. He knew how to make a girl feel special, how to make one feel important even.  Knew how to get your sympathy with a blink of his eyes.

He was damaged.

He moved in and never paid a cent of rent. Convinced me he cared, even though everyone warned me it was a lie. That he was wolf in sheep’s clothing. I didn’t listen; I knew better. I “knew” if I just kept showing him I cared and I wouldn’t leave, he’d change.

I gave up my life. I hid from friends because I couldn’t sleep at night, his hateful words singing songs in my head. Any movement in the shadows made my heart race. Any touch made me jump.  I was scared.

I was wounded.

For over a year this continued to grow out of control, but here I was still thinking that “it’ll get better” that he “cares” about me deep down.  This all comes back to being a child and told it’s okay for a boy to tease you, mess with you, ect. In my mind this was what a man does to show emotion. Men are sensitive like women. They don’t act the same way to show affection.

It was all a lie built up.

I knew how he treated me wasn’t right, knew I needed to get out. I couldn’t though, I was trapped in my mind.  Now I am past that but he still haunts me, still causes doubt in my mind.

Where are the gentlemen in this world?

Where are the ones not in sheep’s clothing?

Did the wolves destroy them all?

Where have they gone?

Media = the Biggest Bully

I sit at a desk for almost 8 hours a day. I have a 5 year old who just started full-time school. I am currently taking college courses as well, and I battle chronic depression. These are not “excuses”; these are valid reasons why I’m not a size 0. Since I can remember I have not been a thin girl, I’ve always been different. I’m huge by any means, curvy yes, but I’m not where some are.  Which some would say “well it could be worse, at least you have a chance to be more fit” ect. The truth is, what if I don’t have that chance. I mean yes, I don’t eat the best, and I should work out more than I do, but does that really mean I’m going to be this toned badass? No.  Truth is the reason I have given up so many times is I’m scared that the results I get won’t meet society’s standards for woman.

I have come to the realization that the whole time I was in school and felt picked on and teased for how I looked was never the fault of the person doing the bullying; it was the media’s fault.  The media since I can remember has given me an unrealistic hope for how I should look, dress, feel, ect. Media in society is the biggest bully of them all. For years I was told by media that I’ll never be loved if I’m overweight, that I’m just lazy and will not accomplish anything physical. Well sorry to burst your bubble society but I’ve proven you wrong.

1)  I have given birth to an amazing and healthy child who is more kind than any soul I have ever met. She is loving and a blessing wrapped up in one.

2) I have the love of my life. He accepts me for WHO I am not what I am.

3) I’m 23 years old and have completed over 30 5ks, 3 12ks, and 4 (going on 5) half marathons. Tell me again I can’t do anything physically.

Life is difficult as it is and the media feeds on that. They make their money on all of us feeling we are never good enough. Frankly, I’m tired of it. Yeah my stomach rolls. Yes I wear plus size clothing. I’m self-concise in bikinis and in stores. But I am me and I can’t keep letting every  single ad, celebrity,  and memory from my past convince me otherwise. Enough is enough.

There is always a beginning

How are these things suppose to start? Do you have to do a cliché my name is (insert name) and I like (insert common hobby), and my blog is about (specific subject)?  I hope not because if so I will not be a good “blogger”.

You may be asking then “why are you on here” or “why make a blog to begin with”? Both are valid questions; both deserve an answer however I simply don’t have one.  I  made this blog while working at a call center in between customers rambling on about well, their “things”. I don’t have a problem with my work, actually compare to most jobs for people my age it’s pretty fair but I’m defiantly not the cubicle type. Probably explains why I have all kinds pictures and nick-nacks around (pops are my favorite by the way). The only real downfall is the people that you just want to go to their home to fix their techie issue and the transferring from people who just, bless their hearts, make no sense when they talk.

So there is that about me I suppose. Most of what I say, or in this case type, may not make sense to anyone reading and if it does then hey cool we understand each other, on the non-social media side of life. And yes, I don’t find blogs, twitter, instagram, or facebook “social”, if anything they keep people from being social.  Of course, I do use them myself but at least I know I’m not social.

Anyways, I am rambling on again about nothing in particular if anything I’ll mostly use this for rants or to get rid of writer’s block (yes I write, no I’m not published). Eventually I may say who I am, or I could just keep it anonymous….well anonymous-ish. Some of you may know who I am, or at least guess. If you do then cool don’t call me by my name or post anything on here (can you post on these things?) I haven’t really decided on where I’m going to go from here with this thing, like I said don’t bother asking me why I’m here because frankly I don’t know myself.

Thanks.