I’ve decided to do something a little different today. I’m going to post the fist few moments of my novel. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet so feedback of course is welcome, please just be respectful Thank you, and I hope it’s enjoyable.
I never expected my life to be anything less than simple, which I suppose is a normal expectation from a naive child growing up in the company of overly sheltered grandparents. They didn’t even get cellphones till I left for college in 2010 and that was only because I convinced them it was the only way they would be able to contact me. Don’t get me wrong, I love Gran and Po with all my heart especially after how they comforted me during my mother’s passing, but growing up with them was not an easy task.
My grandparents were the first of our family to move to the States from Ireland, Po was offered a fishing job from an old war friend who was to ill to run the place and Po being the gent he always has been. Gran wasn’t thrilled of course, she didn’t like the fact that she would have to leave behind the familiar land that her family held for centuries. However, even till this day I don’t think she regrets her decision to follow Po after all they’ve been married since she was only 15 years old. “She was mad over heels in love with me I tell ‘ye!” Po would shout so enthusiastically at me whenever I would ask him how he and Gran met.
Now Po was always much different than Gran and sometime he made me truly believe opposites attract. I love my Gran but she has always been kind of a traditional hard-ass. If things were not done to her standards and to her request, well then you’d better run quick. I recall getting the glare from her as a child every time I took a single step into her garden out back. “You step on those roses and I’ll step on ye little bottom!” She’d yell out to me from the kitchen window. Though she was a shorter woman, she still manage to scare the daylights out of me with her snappy voice. Her bark was always worse than her bite but I’ll tell you; sometimes you still questioned her. Po on the other hand was just laid back. We always wonder why he even join the military and more importantly how he manage to stay in for 10 years without changing into a completely different person. “Love kept me sane my wee lass.” he would tell me. “In order to make it through such tidiest times one mustn’ forget why he is fightin’. I had ye sweet Gran to keep my feet along and my heart a’roain.” My mother always loved to hear Po talk about his love for Gran; in fact I think that’s one of the main reason she fell in love with my father even though Gran forbid it; my mother was a hopeless romantic.
Thanks again. Let me know what you think honestly
Yesterday I got asked how can I work with such a bright light at my desk (I work in a call center with only florescent lights & so I work with a “Happy Light”). I just pondered his question for a few moments and it wasn’t that he was rude. It wasn’t that he was making fun of me.
It’s that I was embarrassed.
How do you tell someone you don’t really know that the reason you keep this light on while you work is that you have dysthymia and the light helps keep your mood slightly better?
People think that having dysthymia is all in a person’s head. That it’s something we can control because all it is is mental. This is a lie.
Dysthymia is mental.
it is physical.
it affects every aspect of your life.
It can not be controlled.
Sure you can medicate yourself, do things for yourself to help you feel better but in the end it’s not going to cure you.
It won’t save you from the grasp.
Loved ones will pray for you.
Even tell you you’re going to be fine.
But you won’t believe any of it.
It takes everything in you to just make it out of bed every day and no one will understand just how difficult that is for you.
How exhausting it is.
So how do you tell an almost stranger this is why you keep a Happy Light at your desk?
I haven’t been writing on here much. Not that there is really an excuse but you know; life happens. My novel is becoming more realistic than abstract. I have been through hell and back the last week and yet, this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this; but it’s been the most painful time.
How does one remain hopeful when their world starts crashing in on them? How do those same people continue to wake up each day full of life and energy even though the night before they stayed wide awake and screaming to God asking “why me”?
Why am I always falling for the man that will destroy me?
Why am I so afraid for people even after they betray my trust?
Why am I losing the man I did nothing but love and care for?
Why am I being put through these events over and over?
Then it moves onto begging.
Begging God not to hurt him.
Begging God to set him free of this addiction that is overtaking him.
Begging God to let him live.
After the wonder, and the begging you are so worn out, so drained. But sleep isn’t possible, not with all the thoughts going on in your mind. All the ‘what ifs’ and the images, oh the images. I swear it’s like your mind loves to taunt you with the visions you fear most. every blink on an eye, every moment you begin to sleep; the images come into play and it’s game over.
Now I’m stuck here, missing in my thoughts, wondering what to do next. Wondering if this is all going to work out in my favor. Wondering if it’s all going to be okay. Praying, hoping, wishing
for it to all be okay.
Growing up I was taught that if a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you. If he teases you, he really likes you. And the list goes on. What no one told me about this kind of mind set is that these thoughts and expectations would lead me into one of the worse relationships of my life. He was cunning and smooth with words. He knew how to make a girl feel special, how to make one feel important even. Knew how to get your sympathy with a blink of his eyes.
He was damaged.
He moved in and never paid a cent of rent. Convinced me he cared, even though everyone warned me it was a lie. That he was wolf in sheep’s clothing. I didn’t listen; I knew better. I “knew” if I just kept showing him I cared and I wouldn’t leave, he’d change.
I gave up my life. I hid from friends because I couldn’t sleep at night, his hateful words singing songs in my head. Any movement in the shadows made my heart race. Any touch made me jump. I was scared.
I was wounded.
For over a year this continued to grow out of control, but here I was still thinking that “it’ll get better” that he “cares” about me deep down. This all comes back to being a child and told it’s okay for a boy to tease you, mess with you, ect. In my mind this was what a man does to show emotion. Men are sensitive like women. They don’t act the same way to show affection.
It was all a lie built up.
I knew how he treated me wasn’t right, knew I needed to get out. I couldn’t though, I was trapped in my mind. Now I am past that but he still haunts me, still causes doubt in my mind.
Where are the gentlemen in this world?
Where are the ones not in sheep’s clothing?
Did the wolves destroy them all?
Where have they gone?
I use to joke about having a gypsy soul. My love for traveling and going out on the road every weekend brought me so much joy; or so I thought.I mean, have you ever felt like you were made for travel? You stare at the space around you day in and day out and notice how nothing changes. How everyone does the exact same thing of wake up, punches in for work, goes home, start all over. It’s a vicious cycle that we are forced into believing this is the only way to live and if you disagree than you are looked down upon.
I have a wonderlust in my soul is all.
Everyday I dream and think about traveling across the states, sleep under the stars in the middle of the woods, wrapped up in the arms of my love. Hiking in the early mornings next to the creeks and rivers that only the animals know.
That is what I crave the most.
The freedom to just roam and now stress over how much this will cost me and my family. How much time I have to get this amount of work done. So the list goes on.
However there is one flaw in my wonderlust soul; I always am happy to be heading home. It’s a strange sensation and I often question if I’m the only who is drawn so close to the idea of home after a trip to the unknown. And I say idea of home only because where I live is not my home; it’s where my home lives. My home is my family. My daughter, our dog, and the man I love. Home is not a place as so many think. It is a memory and emotion. It’s where you first met, where your children are born, when you first smile at your soul mate, when your mind is at ease. Home is the most important emotion that a person can feel.
My home is in my heart and soul forever.
The day stands hushed
Silent and calm.
The everyday hustle and noise
Disappears into the voids
of our daily routines.
No one saw.
No one moved.
No one expected the inevitable
that would shape the future view
of the ones we love.
No one reacted
without tears in their eyes
and fear in their minds.
The world stands hushed.
I sit at a desk for almost 8 hours a day. I have a 5 year old who just started full-time school. I am currently taking college courses as well, and I battle chronic depression. These are not “excuses”; these are valid reasons why I’m not a size 0. Since I can remember I have not been a thin girl, I’ve always been different. I’m huge by any means, curvy yes, but I’m not where some are. Which some would say “well it could be worse, at least you have a chance to be more fit” ect. The truth is, what if I don’t have that chance. I mean yes, I don’t eat the best, and I should work out more than I do, but does that really mean I’m going to be this toned badass? No. Truth is the reason I have given up so many times is I’m scared that the results I get won’t meet society’s standards for woman.
I have come to the realization that the whole time I was in school and felt picked on and teased for how I looked was never the fault of the person doing the bullying; it was the media’s fault. The media since I can remember has given me an unrealistic hope for how I should look, dress, feel, ect. Media in society is the biggest bully of them all. For years I was told by media that I’ll never be loved if I’m overweight, that I’m just lazy and will not accomplish anything physical. Well sorry to burst your bubble society but I’ve proven you wrong.
1) I have given birth to an amazing and healthy child who is more kind than any soul I have ever met. She is loving and a blessing wrapped up in one.
2) I have the love of my life. He accepts me for WHO I am not what I am.
3) I’m 23 years old and have completed over 30 5ks, 3 12ks, and 4 (going on 5) half marathons. Tell me again I can’t do anything physically.
Life is difficult as it is and the media feeds on that. They make their money on all of us feeling we are never good enough. Frankly, I’m tired of it. Yeah my stomach rolls. Yes I wear plus size clothing. I’m self-concise in bikinis and in stores. But I am me and I can’t keep letting every single ad, celebrity, and memory from my past convince me otherwise. Enough is enough.
The downfall to working at 6am in the morning is missing the sunrise on my patio with a warm cup of coffee and my favorite blanket wrapped around me as the crisp air caresses my face. It’s one of the only times when my mind is not overwhelmed and my soul can rest easy; free of stress and anxiety that consume me on a daily basis.
It’s just me and the cup.
The quail browse the yard, close together looking for the worms in the dew grass. How are their feet not cold? Thoughts on life flood my mind as I take another sip.
Just me and the quail.
Alone in solitude, peaceful and tranquil. Another sip to warm myself back up and a smile along my face as I watch the quail play. Above me I hear the neighbor slide open his door; he’s alone to smoke his morning bowl. Does he know I’m right below? Not that it would matter, he is not a bother to me and my cup. Another sip
Just me and the neighbor on the deck.
He goes inside within a few minutes and the quail are gone now; the loud cough spooked them. I wrap myself a little tighter and take a deep breath in. My coffee is all gone now and the cup is empty.
Now it’s just me.
I thought about posting yesterday… well okay not really I kind of forgot I had this thing to be honest, but hey I’m here now so that is what matters right? Right.
Hopefully everyone had a good labor day. Ours was decent. Long story short we (my daughter and I) went camping with my parents and sister. Nothing too crazy happened and sadly no s’mores, yeah that was disappointing. However, it was nice to get out of town for a couple of days. We all have those moments when just getting away from society is needed.
On the drive home I realized this was probably our last camping trip for the year; unless my man and I decide to brave the cold weather slowly approaching. My daughter has started school, her ice skating lessons continue on Thursday (finally!), and Dutch Bros released their Pumpkin flavor.
Fall is here.
Sure it doesn’t technically start till the 23rd but, there is no denying it anymore when I’m able to turn of my A/C unit and just leave windows open. Defiantly works better on my wallet that way at least. This of course brings me to the things I enjoy about this time of the year, and of course the things I just can’t stand. Yes another rant, get over it.
- Hoodies/oversize pullovers. Seriously how can you not love these? It’s like a wearable blanket that is socially acceptable (since snuggies are not).
- Pumpkin smelling EVERYTHING. Don’t judge, I am grossed out by pumpkin pie, but boy do I love the smell. I’ve already got my oils at home burning with Mandarin pumpkin (it’s from walmart and smells like heaven).
- All the best shows start up again! Supernatural, Once Upon a Time, and Walking Dead… I am set.
So there are some serious pros to fall, not going to lie about that. Still, I loathe this time of year as well.
- People are rude. And don’t tell me otherwise. The closer we get to Christmas people just get so self-centered and drive like idiots to be frank. I just don’t understand why society has made this acceptable behavior during a time when families are suppose to be growing closer. Makes no sense to me.
- My job gets crazy. I work in a call center, during holidays… pretty obvious one there. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job but with school and kiddo, can be super stressful. Good thing I can get overtime though!
And number 3. Cold Weather. I can’t stand the cold. I am no Elsa that is for sure. Yes I figure skate and snowboard but if I have to go in the cold to warm up my car at 5am in the morning, there will be hell to pay. And before you ask no I did not chose to move where it is cold and no I just up move. I wish I could but financially that’s not an option at this time. The cold bothers me…. a lot.
So yeah, there is some pros and cons of fall. Agree or disagree, doesn’t really change anything. Just do your thing, and pray I don’t break any bones this year on the ice.
Today so far today has been… eventful. In fact it took me 4 different tries to type ‘today’. Don’t as why, I’m not even sure myself. So far today:
- I was late to work
- I’ve had several terrible transfers (remember I work at a call center)
- and all I want is to curl in bed and read (or sleep).
Best part it’s not even 9 in the morning yet and I’m at work till 6:30 tonight! And if you can’t pick up on the sarcasm there, then you’re part of the problem today.
Anyways, since last night I went on a small rant in regards to bras, and a little bit about pants, I’ve decided today I will discuss the top five things that I just despise.
- The word “hate”. Seriously this word is so full of meaning and yet incredibly dull. Use despise, infuriated, or something other than the word “hate”. If I see the word, it makes me crinkle my nose up in disgust.
- People who think it’s funny to watch me eat spicy food. Okay this is just cruel. I don’t like spicy food; I have tried and it’s just not for me. So when you give me something and tell me “it’s not hot or spicy” and it really is, then you are a spawn of Satan. And I hate you.
- That feeling when you first wake up after not sleeping well. We all know it, you don’t want to get out of bed and you’d rather just wrap up in all your pillows and blankets… yeah that feeling is terrible because we are adults and have to take care of things outside of our beds.
- Cleaning. No joke I don’t understand how people can spend HOURS cleaning and actually enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a terribly messy person, but I defiantly do not enjoy cleaning my home. Decorating sure, that is some fun stuff, but cleaning…. Yeah no thank you send me a house elf.
- Finally number 5. Not being able to tell if milk is expired. Obviously if it’s really old it will have that terrible odor and will be clumpy, but I’m talking like a day or two after the expiration date. I’ll sit there and smell it, and shake it but I can never tell if it’s going to taste gross or not. I can’t stand it and most of the time make the dog try it first.
Well there you go, 5 things that are pretty common, or unusual for some I suppose, that I just despise with all my heart. Maybe some of these hit home… or I could just be crazy. There is always that possibility.